is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize