someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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