I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
