you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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