Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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