I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
