I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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