I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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