I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
