i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize