Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
