...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize