I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
