your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize