how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
