Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
