spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
my poor anus
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize