John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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