you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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