i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just gift wrapped bread.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
