Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize