This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
