why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize