Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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