I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
