Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
