Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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