and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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