i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
