Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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