I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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