Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
