There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
