You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
