I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
