I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
