ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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