When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
