I'm drive I can fine osifer
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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