i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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