If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
