Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
