my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
