Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
