Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
