12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
