I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
