matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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