he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
