who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
