I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
