just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
