Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
