so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
