I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
