sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
