I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
