To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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