My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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