Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
